An Exercise in Subjective Athletic Quantification

Every group of football-loving friends does it.

100% of the time it's highly divisive, never results in any consensus decisions, and can even lead to some semi-heated arguments that cause two people to have some beef for like 42 minutes. Each person is convinced that they're getting screwed over. Each person thinks that whenever someone proposes a number for themselves, it's way too high. It's entirely subjective, holds no tangible weight, and has no impact on each person's actual performance on the field.

I am, of course, talking about the remarkable process of a group of people attempting to assign football ratings to themselves, yes, just like the Madden video game, based on their performances during pickup football games. It's inevitable for a squad that plays football together frequently, also plays Madden, and enjoys arguing with one another over who's better at which aspect of the game.

Call me biased, but no other group of goons and sports junkies gets their blood pumping, their hearts racing, their fists ready, than my group of friends when it comes to a subject such as this one. We live for this. Half our conversations are pointless arguments that there is no correct answer to, yet everyone thinks their opinion is the only one that should exist. Throw in our abilities to run, throw, catch, tackle, etc. while we battle against each other each fall on the mystical fields of Stony Point Elementary School, and we're ready to Royal Rumble (By the way, the picture in that link is less of an exaggeration than you might think. On multiple occasions, members of our group have executed/have been the victim of an RKO).

Now, it's obviously only me behind the keyboard, therefore I hold all the power in deciding all my friends' attributes, right? Well, yeah mostly. Full disclosure, I was inspired to pen this post after seeing FiveThirtyEight's fascinating and thorough feature titled "How Madden Ratings Are Made". Contained in the article is EA Sports' systematic formula that they use to determine each virtual player's Overall rating. For a game that incorporates an endless amount of complex code and next-gen technology, the method of creating a player's OVR (Overall rating is now abbreviated OVR for the rest of the post) is relatively simple.

Short answer: the OVR is a weighted average of all the player's individual attributes. Naturally, players at different positions have different ratings weighted more than others. For example, a quarterback's Throw Power and Awareness will make up a total of 40% of his OVR just between those two ratings. Short, Mid, and Deep Accuracy (all relatively new ratings; Accuracy used to just be one attribute) then make up another 40%. The remaining 20% is determined by the player's Play Action ability, Speed, Agility, Throw On the Run, and Acceleration in descending numerical order.

As I mentioned earlier, my rankings will be "mostly" subjective. Every individual attribute assigned to each person will be determined solely by my observations from the football games we play. However, each person's OVR will be determined using EA's weighted average system...with a few differences. For one, I am not going to assign 47 attributes like Madden does. Secondly, we don't necessarily have positions in pickup football. There's a QB on each team, sure, but the rest of the offense is simply "receivers", and the defense is all "corners" or perhaps a safety.

As a result, I will weight the ratings that best exemplify the style that each person plays with. In other words, if a member of my group is known to be someone who relies on brute strength and power, ratings like Strength, Break Tackle (which I prefer to Trucking), Stiff Arm and Hit Power will be valued slightly more than other ratings. Conversely, a finesse player will see his Agility and Juke Move (No Spin Move; not a lot of those are actually executed in-game) abilities carry more weight. More technical players will have higher percentages for skills like Route Running and Release. Last but certainly not least, members of my group who primarily play off their athleticism will carry more weight from their Acceleration and Jumping.

Notice how I didn't include Speed anywhere. That's because Speed will weight equally for everyone since it is equally important to each person's game regardless of how they play. Other categories that will weight equally are Coverage (we only play man), Catching, Tackle, Awareness, and Stamina. These 5 categories, along with Speed, won't all have the same numerical value, but the weight each one carries will not change from person-to-person. A bit confusing? Perhaps, but hopefully you're following along.

A couple of notes before I finally get to assigning the ratings:

• All ratings are relative. For example, if someone has a 97 catching rating, that means that they likely have the best hands out of the people here. It does not mean that I think one of my friends is as good at catching footballs as, say, Larry Fitzgerald.
• You won't find any blocking ratings here. We have played maybe a total of 5 games involving offensive lines ever, and each person's ability to block is fairly irrelevant in usual games. On a similar token, defensive lineman skills like Power and Finesse Moves (pass-rushing ability) won't factor in either. Ditto for kicking ratings.
• Since we almost always play with no true running backs, Ball Carrier Vision will not be factored in. The field is pretty wide open in a standard 6-on-6, so if you can't see where you want to go with the ball, then I don't know if football is your sport. Carrying also won't be include simply because no one really fumbles often enough that they're especially known for carelessness with the ball.
• A Spectacular Catch rating will also not be included, as there really isn't too many "spectacular" catches made in all, much less by any one person, that would warrant any weight toward each person's OVR . Well, except for the legendary Matt Walsh, who was almost exclusively known for his crazy catches. Sadly, Walsh will not be included as a player in this post.
• I likely value Awareness more than others. Awareness in our brand of football is probably less expansive than in the NFL, though. Just to fully clarify, Awareness will be determined by a person's propensity to: read the QB's eyes in coverage, anticipate a pick or a double move, cut upfield instead of trying to turn the corner, etc.
• Vinny Greco exclusively plays QB in our games, therefore he will be graded out slightly different than everyone else, as throwing ratings will be incorporated. 2 others, Mike Santini and Kevin Hylas, play QB either some or most of the time, so they will be assigned an OVR for when they play QB, as well as a second OVR for when they play WR.
• Finally, to the subjects of this post: I will do my best to accurately reflect our respective athleticism/football acumen. That being said, I will "get some things wrong" in each of your eyes. It's just going to happen. I like to think that I actually do pay enough attention to how each person plays and what their strengths and weaknesses are to be able to construct these ratings. You will probably disagree, and that's OK.

At last, we have arrived at the point in the post that most people have likely skipped down to anyway. Here are my Madden ratings for each warrior that enters the gridiron alongside me each autumn Saturday:

Key:
AWR = Awareness, SPD = Speed, ACC = Acceleration, AGI = Agility, STR = Strength, STA = Stamina, JKM = Juke Move, SFA = Stiff Arm, BTK = Break Tackle, CTH = Catching, RTE = Route Running, RLS = Release, JMP = Jumping, TAK = Tackle, BSH = Block Shedding, POW = Hit Power, CVR = Coverage

Chris "Sauce" Apicella

Height/Weight:
6'1", 210 lbs

Play Style:
Power

Ratings:
AWR 80, SPD 81, ACC 84, AGI 82, STR 93, STA 84, JKM 75, SFA 85, BTK 82, CTH 88, RTE 84, RLS 84, JMP 85, TAK 87, BSH 89, POW 82, CVR 82, OVR 84

Bio:

Apicella's game revolves around his ability to outmuscle his opponent and use his height to gain an advantage. He may not flash any major wheels, but his long strides can allow him to get over the top of the defense, which, combined with his size, makes him a solid deep threat. Defensively, "Sauce" doesn't make many mistakes and is one of the more consistent tacklers in the group. Perhaps a better safety than pure corner, though his coverage skills should not be considered a liability.

Brandon Curtis

Height/Weight:
5'10", 165 lbs

Play Style:
Athletic

Ratings:

AWR 77, SPD 96, ACC 97, AGI 92, STR 83, STA 99, JKM 84, SFA 80, BTK 80, CTH 80, RTE 73, RLS 91, JMP 80, TAK 84, BSH 81, POW 78, CVR 86, OVR 83

Bio:
The owner of the highest speed rating of the group, Curtis utilizes his great speed by working the fly routes and burning his man deep. Despite not possessing ideal size, Curtis can be difficult to bring down when he gets his legs moving. A Division I soccer player, simply getting a piece of Curtis can be a challenge as a result of his plus agility. Unrelenting in forcing his defender to continually run all over the field with him, Curtis' biggest asset is being fresh while everyone else is tiring.

Dom Greco

Height/Weight:

5'7", 130 lbs

Play Style:

Finesse

Ratings:

AWR 68, SPD 79, ACC 84, AGI 84, STR 63, STA 78, JKM 82, SFA 68, BTK 76, CTH 82, RTE 88, RLS 80, JMP 68, TAK 72, BSH 66, POW 58, CVR 74, OVR 77

Bio:
Perhaps a bit undervalued by my formula, Dom is a very useful player on the field in the mold of the classic small, quick receiver who can get you some easy catches to move the ball. Obviously, that doesn't show up in the numbers. Dom's stature does provide some limitations which hurt his overall slightly. An inability to tackle the bigger players consistently is certainly a weakness, though he will always try to at least make some contact and allow his teammates to make their way over for the gang tackle.

Vinny Greco

Height/Weight:

6'0", 155 lbs

Play Style:

Quarterback

Ratings:

AWR 85, SPD 81, ACC 84, AGI 80, STR 72, STA 82, JKM 79, SFA 77, BTK 72, CTH 75, RTE 69, RLS 73, JMP 74, TAK 76, BSH 69, POW 64, CVR 80, THP 92, SAC 91, MAC 88, DAC 85, OVR 83

Bio:
As mentioned above, Vinny almost exclusively plays QB, so he received 4 throwing ratings that were factored into his overall. His catching, route running, and release ratings were not. Vinny is certainly an above-average quarterback, even though he doesn't possess the biggest arm around. Still, he can sling it all around the field, including deep, with adequate velocity. Vinny reads blitzes well and is known for his pump-and-run move when pressured. He loves looking for the deep ball, as evidenced by his affinity for calling curl-and-go routes for his receivers.

George Green

Height/Weight:

6'2", 200 lbs

Play Style:

Athletic

Ratings:

AWR 91, SPD 91, ACC 93, AGI 92, STR 90, STA 96, JKM 92, SFA 88, BTK 89, CTH 95, RTE 94, RLS 95, JMP 90, TAK 89, BSH 90, POW 92, CVR 92, OVR 93

Bio:
The fact that Green's lowest rating is an 88 perfectly illustrates the type of player he is: high-level across the board. Green does everything well on the pickup football field, and he plays hard on every down. Used often in the screen game, Green excels at picking up yards after the catch using his larger frame and good agility. As a cover corner, Green shadows his matchup, almost always the opposing team's #1, and does not usually allow more catches than he breaks up. A fine tackler as well, Green's all-around play certainly justifies his high OVR.

Kevin "K-Hy" Hylas

Height/Weight:

5'11", 180 lbs

Play Style:

QB/Athletic

Ratings:

AWR 91, SPD 94, ACC 92, AGI 96, STR 86, STA 91, JKM 95, SFA 93, BTK 96, CTH 95, RTE 94, RLS 97, JMP 97, TAK 93, BSH 92, POW 88, CVR 93, THP 96, SAC 92, MAC 91, DAC 88, (QB) OVR 92, (WR) OVR 93

Bio:
Most often the QB of the team that Vinny isn't on, Hylas displays great touch on all his throws. Accuracy to every level of the field is well above-average, and velocity is always there. As a receiver, Hylas is an elite talent who, along with his usual matchup George, has the ability to take over a game. Leaping ability on jump balls is exceptional, as well as his ability to separate from his man out of his breaks. Defensively, Hylas is stout in coverage and is certainly an able tackler. The only downside to Hylas' game is a nagging shoulder injury that occasionally limits his effectiveness and overall ability to play.

Alex Mednick

Height/Weight:

5'11", 175 lbs

Play Style:

Technical

Ratings:

AWR 89, SPD 79, ACC 81, AGI 81, STR 81, STA 88, JKM 83, SFA 77, BTK 82, CTH 81, RTE 92, RLS 88, JMP 77, TAK 83, BSH 80, POW 71, CVR 84, OVR 82

Bio:

Though my friends will likely disagree, I felt like I did a solid job of not favoring myself too much. I play a fundamentally sound game that includes fairly sharp and diverse routes, as well as being highly successful in my releases against press coverage. My game certainly does not rely on my speed, but instead on my knowledge of how to get open and work my leverage. I may be sounding like a pompous, know-it-all football nerd, but this is how I see the game while I play and it is the only way I'm able to make an impact.

Dylan Mednick

Height/Weight:
5'9", 185 lbs

Play Style:
Power

Ratings:
AWR 76, SPD 68, ACC 70, AGI 74, STR 86, STA 78, JKM 72, SFA 84, BTK 80, CTH 78, RTE 81, RLS 76, JMP 66, TAK 77, BSH 75, POW 80, CVR 65, OVR 75

Bio:
My brother Dylan gives it his all out there, I have to credit him there. That being said, he takes the title of lowest OVR. His biggest deficiency has to be his lack of speed. His man is usually able to beat him in a straight line or off a cut, though Dylan refuses to ever give up on a play despite losing his assignment. With the ball, Dylan can make some plays happen by using his bulk and decent athleticism for his build to catch opponents off guard. Love the kid, but he ranks at the bottom in this exercise.

Blaise Panepinto

Height/Weight:
5'8", 145 lbs

Play Style:
Finesse

Ratings:
AWR 74, SPD 90, ACC 93, AGI 94, STR 85, STA 99, JKM 83, SFA 71, BTK 83, CTH 82, RTE 77, RLS 83, JMP 78, TAK 80, BSH 74, POW 70, CVR 78, OVR 83

Bio:
The favorite to be the most likely debated OVR (especially by Curtis), Panepinto is another Division I soccer player who can run his man right off the field due to his ability to seemingly never get tired. Blaise possesses great quickness, and is a tough tackle due to his exceptional balance and shiftiness. Average player defensively, his speed helps him to recover from any lapses.

Mark Riello

Height/Weight:
6'1", 160 lbs

Play Style:
Finesse

Ratings:
AWR 81, SPD 79, ACC 80, AGI 81, STR 79, STA 74, JKM 81, SFA 80, BTK 80, CTH 83, RTE 78, RLS 84, JMP 84, TAK 82, BSH 77, POW 75, CVR 82,  OVR 80

Bio:
My rival is about as competitive as they come, but I couldn't help but give myself the edge in terms of OVR (after all, I did win our last two matchups). Riello is very good at using his height advantage on me, and other players, to high point the ball and secure it before his defender can get a hand on it. Riello is a very feisty defender who prides himself on constant contact throughout a route. He's got that whole "looks slower than he actually is" thing going on, and that type of deceptive quickness helps him when making plays with the ball.

Michael "Slim" Santini

Height/Weight:
6'1", 215 lbs

Play Style:
Quarterback/Power

Ratings:
AWR 85, SPD 85, ACC 88, AGI 87, STR 97, STA 80, JKM 84, SFA 97, BTK 94, CTH 88, RTE 84, RLS 86, JMP 91, TAK 94, BSH 96, POW 95, CVR 89, THP 93, SAC 88, MAC 83, DAC 81, (QB) OVR 87, (WR) OVR 93

Bio:
Santini arguably possess the best size-speed combo among the group. This, combined with his bruising brand of football, makes him quite the formidable force on both sides of the ball. On the not-too-often occasion where Santini takes snaps at QB, he flashes above-average to very good qualities as a passer. His accuracy can sometimes break down, but usually Santini hits his target on most passes. Otherwise on the field, Santini's great movement abilities for his size possibly inflated his overall a bit, though, when being fed the ball, Santini can dominate. On defense, he is a hard hitter, a menace to block, and he holds up reasonably well in coverage. High level player all around.

Logan Vasquez

Height/Weight:
5'10", 195 lbs

Play Style:
Power

Ratings:
AWR 83, SPD 87, ACC 88, AGI 84, STR 97, STA 92, JKM 75, SFA 92, BTK 90, CTH 78, RTE 76, RLS 80, JMP 89, TAK 96, BSH 97, POW 98, CVR 85, OVR 87

Bio:
Vasquez plays the least out of everyone mentioned here, so his ratings more than anyone should be considered the least accurate. He does get props for playing LB in college, and for having a reputation as a hard hitter and very good overall player from high school, where my other friends played alongside him. In the limited amount of knowledge I have on Vasquez's pickup game, he has proven to certainly be a force defensively. Aggressive and surprisingly nimble, Vasquez can be a terror for ball carriers. Offensively, Vasquez's size helps him to shed tacklers, though the other facets of his game lack refinement.

Kevin "KayWhy" Young

Height/Weight:
5'9", 160 lbs

Play Style:
Technical

Ratings:
AWR 83, SPD 83, ACC 82, AGI 81, STR 85, STA 89, JKM 71, SFA 83, BTK 77, CTH 87, RTE 86, RLS 81, JMP 80, TAK 81, BSH 78, POW 72, CVR 81, OVR 82

Bio:
"KayWhy" prides himself on his heart and dedicated approach to the game. He doesn't possess any outstanding physical qualities, except possibly solid strength for his size, but that does not prevent him from making an impact, especially at receiver. Young excels at making precise cuts and creating separation from his man. While not a negative on defense, Young can occasionally find himself overwhelmed by some of the larger players in the group. Consistency is his game, and he shows it every time he steps on the field.

Roscoe's Wetsuit: My Journey into the Vast Depths of "Because the Internet"

It's honestly really difficult for me to do my usual routine of conjuring up some clever or seemingly irrelevant opening paragraph that I eventually work back into what will become the central theme of the post. Whenever I begin a post like that, it's always come naturally to me as how I want to open. Nothing came naturally to me here, and I'm pretty sure I know why. This topic extracts more focused, serious, and intellectual thoughts out of me than almost any other artistic expression I've ever come in contact with.

I'm about to unload some heavy, HEAVY shit on you. I'm determined to be as coherent as possible. I got more thoughts on all this than I can probably put into words, but I'm going to try. For you. For Gambino. For me.

First off, Childish Gambino is the rap alias of Donald Glover, an extremely talented and expressive individual. Glover has written for 30 Rock, starred in Community (currently catching up on this show, already possibly my favorite TV comedy), wrote and performed his own stand-up special, and, of course, seen his career as a hip-hop artist take off in the past 3 years. Gambino truly "made it" with his 2012 album Camp, though he was dropping awesome songs prior to that.

December 2013, Gambino's latest full-length album drops. It is titled Because the Internet, because, well, Beck told him to do so. December 2013, not only does the album drop, but so does an accompanying 75-page screenplay and 23-minute video that serves as a prelude to the album. These two additional components were made available on the official website for the album, becausetheinter.net (clever name right?). Unfortunately for those of you about to Google search that URL, Glover has shut down the website (as well as his social media accounts) for reasons unknown to the public. The screenplay can still be found on genius.com.

So there's your background, now comes the "my journey" part of the title of this post. I was a big 'Bino fan after listening to Camp and some of his other fairly popular early songs (shoutout to Hylas for putting me on). He was a fun rapper, you could tell he had roots in comedy (besides doing stand-up, Glover also gained notoriety for his work in the sketch comedy group Derrick Comedy), and , above all else, he could seriously rap. His flows and rhymes were on par with a lot of the other up-and-coming rappers I was listening to at the time.

Gambino earned a spot on my watch list, and when BTI dropped, I instinctively purchased it off iTunes (yeah, purchased. I have no problem compensating my favorite artists for the hard work they produced for our entertainment). Full disclosure, first listen through, I thought it was very "eh". Only track that really caught my attention was the final one, Life: The Biggest Troll. I thought it was a disappointment because I didn't hear those classic hip-hop elements that I was used to hearing. The lyrics were incoherent and all over the place, the production threw me off completely (neither good or bad), and it just seemed to my naive mind that the once-promising Childish Gambino that I was taking notice of just kinda dropped the ball with his sophomore effort. Truthfully, I just felt like I was missing something, like there was a hidden part of the album that I didn't have.

Like an avid reader with a difficult-to-comprehend book, I shelved BTI for a short while. I figured I would come back to it and hopefully I would gain a greater understanding/appreciation for it. When I finally decided to do this, maybe about 4 months later in April 2014, I went all in. Just a quick tidbit about me, I have a tendency to fully immerse myself in work that I find myself extremely fascinated in. I used to be able to rattle off facts and theories about any aspect of the TV show Lost after endlessly scouring online message boards and reading books and articles dedicated to deciphering the show's greatest mysteries. I don't know if I even wanted to find answers, I think I really just wanted to see how far the theories and opinions and educated guesses went, how far they can stretch while still maintaing believability. Well, that lasted a while (pretty much until the finale disappointed me and every other Lost fan), and then I moved on to another project to become obsessed about.

I don't have a "Holy shit" moment of when I found out about all the layers surrounding BTI. I do remember that when I learned of the existence of the screenplay and video that I instantly felt justified for feeling like I missed something, because I clearly did. As I am writing this I will admit that I haven't read the full screenplay. I am holding out in hopes that 'Bino will restore the website and all its content so I can read (and watch, more on this later) it there.

Now, I've been frustratingly building up to what makes BTI so damn special. And you've hopefully been patient and are still reading this. For that, I will reward you by getting to the point: Because the Internet is not a music album, it's a world. It's an experience. It's a multi-platform, complex weaving of storytelling, emotion, and creativity. This mysterious screenplay and short film that I have been alluding to, combined with the album, make up Because the Internet.

The screenplay's basic plot revolves around the central character, The Boy, who lives in a mansion and spends his time trying to communicate with celebrities on social media. The Boy is played by Jaden Smith, and his dad is played by Rick Ross. That last sentence is more amusing than important. The Boy lacks ambition and instead chooses to live in this empty existence. If you are having a difficult time picturing The Boy, watch any Gambino interview over the past year. His entire demeanor, his attire, his mannerisms: they're all meant to portray The Boy. Remember, Glover is a professional actor.

Back to the screenplay. It is heavy on stage directions and scene-setting, pretty light on dialogue, and utilizes emojis as means of communication between characters. Since I have not read the whole thing, I'm a little unsure of what exactly transpires (And again, don't hold me to any of this. This is just the gist of an extremely complex piece of art), but I do know that one phrase is absolutely essential to the entire meaning of the project for reasons that no one has quite figured out yet. That phrase is "Roscoe's Wetsuit". Apparently, The Boy sees those words basically everywhere he goes, whether it's on billboards, the sides of buildings, or even like those banners on the planes you see when you're at the beach. It is also very briefly flashed across the screen at the very beginning of the video for "The Worst Guys", a video that shows a bunch of dudes wearing...wetsuits. As I said, "Roscoes's Wetsuit is absolutely essential, somehow, someway. I just don't know how or why yet. 

Ok, so how is all this supplemental to the album? At various points throughout the script, instructions will pop up telling the reader to play a song on the album at that exact point. This is where the music portion of the project comes into play. Though not flawlessly, the songs supposedly serve as extensions of the script where the story is essentially brought to life through Gambino's music. 

Just this concept alone absolutely fascinated me. After I figured this out, I was hooked. Next thing I did was watch the short film, which I will provide a link to at the end of this post. Don't want all of you wandering off for 23 minutes. Where was I? Oh, right, the video. It's virtually impossible to give a summation of it, so instead I'll just say it only drove my insatiable desire for my information and content related to all this even higher. And for a while, I wasn't able to acquire any more knowledge. I was stuck in this limbo-of-sorts where I was still in the dark about pretty much all of what was going on here, yet I wasn't finding anything more through simple searches online.

Quick sidebar, I want to remind everyone that I'm not necessarily hailing Glover as a musical pioneer in that he is without a doubt the first to ever attempt a project like this. I'm sure others in the past have possibly approached what Glover is putting together. Also, there is someone out right now who is doing something fairly similar to Glover: Tyler, the Creator. That's right, the music industry's annoying little cousin. Don't get me wrong, I am a huge Tyler fan. I have always understood his brash attitude as him simply being himself, and it's something I have always respected as well. I do concede, however, that Tyler is definitely not someone who I would've thought can pull off some incredible creative feat. Well, he kinda is currently doing just that. His latest album, Wolf, is a terrifically bi-polar album as Tyler basically plays a tug-of-war throughout the tracklist as the two main characters of the album, Wolf and Samuel, fight over Sam's girlfriend, Salem. I am slightly less knowledgeable about Tyler's work than I am about Glover's, so I'll let this article give you the rest of the story if you are interested. If you want my quick opinion, the story Tyler constructs across all his albums (which he does, the storyline dates all the way back to Bastard) is completely worth investing your time in if you are really into complex theories about complex music like I am. Just thought I'd take some time to give credit where credit is due. Now back to the album.

Fast forward to sometime later in the year, possibly late summer/early fall, I discovered that Glover had made videos for a few, select songs: "Sweatpants/Urn", "Telegraph Ave.", "3005/Zealots of Stockholm (Free Information)", "The Worst Guys", and "Firefly" (which is actually off of Camp, and the video came out a whole year before the previous ones), and "Sober" (which is off his STN MTN/Kauai mixtape that he has confirmed is an extension of BTI). Firefly is an interesting video, and the only one to not star Glover. Just to get it out of the way now, I have no theories on that video, but I still hold out hope that it is connected to the others.

As for the others, they, together, form a complex, bizarre, occasionally grotesque, and ultimately beautiful narrative that constitutes the backbone of this entire project. The videos, which I will also link to, are all connected, and tell a story that is entirely separate to the one told in the screenplay, with a few exceptions. The story being told in the videos is a fairly simple one on the surface: Gambino, possibly playing The Boy, gets infected by an unknown creature at the beach while in the ocean (The Worst Guys), begins to see and feel the effects of whatever being has abducted him (Sweatpants/Urn), morphs into the monster that has taken over him (Telegraph Ave.), ponders his new, warped existence with an aging sentient bear (3005/Zealots of Stockholm (Free Information)), and interacts with another person with his dual personality (Sober). That is the chronological order I currently place the videos in, and I say currently because I'm constantly rearranging them. One day I'll have the Sober video before Telegraph Ave., the next day I'll just put it before 3005, and the next I'll doubt all of that tinkering and just start all over again.

Starting all over again is actually a concept that Glover plays around with a lot in the album. The album opens with a 5-second track called "The Library", that just plays the sound of pages turning before moving on to the actual opening song of the album. Not coincidentally, at the very end of the final song on the album, the exact same noises from "The Library" can be heard to conclude the album. This clearly represents Glover's opinion that life is cyclical, and so too is his album and the messages and themes contained within. Basically the same thing happens in the 23-minute video I've been hinting at, as the opening scene of the video is identical to the final scene. Glover is often more subtle when including these types of easter eggs, but I feel like he intended for this concept to be more easily distinguishable.

Ok, so there's really a lot going on here, huh? This is what you must be thinking, and also what I was thinking after watching these videos and analyzing all the information in front of me. They were classically cryptic as only Gambino does it, in that none of the videos, except for maybe Telegraph Ave., were deliberate with their allusions to this underlying storyline. In the video for The Worst Guys, the "infection" is only shown for about a second, while the rest of the video just depicts Gambino, Chance the Rapper, and a bunch of other people smoking and partying on an empty beach. The other videos are certainly strange and I'm sure even viewers who are unaware of everything else sensed that there was more to what was just on the surface, but the videos could still be chalked up as just kinda weird.

But they're not. At all. And you'll see after you watch them all (please watch them all).

In dire need of opinions and theories on what all the videos meant, I went to the greatest place on the Internet for wild theories and endless discussion: Reddit. What a magical place. There, I happened upon legions of die-hard fans who had put so much thought and effort into figuring out what the hell Glover is trying to tell us. I would like to link to the Reddit thread I pored over, but I simply do not possess the savvy needed on that website to find it.

Anyway, after reading and reading and thinking and analyzing, I finally (kinda) came up with my own theory on the videos. It goes as follows: In The Worst Guys, an alien enters Gambino through the infection on his leg. It grows inside of him and gradually begins to take over his personality and very being. In Sweatpants, he finds that other aliens have begin inhabiting the planet, and I'm assuming they all look to Gambino as their leader. Also, they communicate through some sort of strange dancing (the "Urn" part of the video). In Telegraph Ave., he is seeking to get away from everything else and just be with the girl he loves. In the screenplay, the girl's name is Naomi. In the video, she is played by the lovely and talented Jhene Aiko. At the end of the video, he reveals that he has fully, and forever, been changed into a alien creature with tentacles and various otherworldly abilities. In 3005, he is coming to grips with the new side of him, displayed by his immortality as everything around him ages. Additionally, the world around him is literally burning to the ground. I am still torn on whether he and his destructive alien side caused this. Regardless, he is clearly distraught, and the absence of Naomi in this video perhaps foreshadows a video that explains what happens to her. Finally, in Sober (which, as I said, I still can't figure it out if what happens in the video takes place before or after the "3005" video), Gambino is able to switch between his human and non-human personas, and does so as he comes into contact with what could be the first human he's seen in a while. The human side is unable to successfully communicate with her, so he switches over to his alien side to do the job.

So, that's what I got for straight analysis of what's going on in the storyline. The ultimate goal of all this, at least for me, is to figure out what Donald Glover, the person, is trying to convey with all these wacky, hidden easter eggs. Well, I have two guesses:

1. Glover is trying to describe the toll that the "Childish Gambino" alter ego is taking on his own, natural self. Gambino is becoming more famous than Glover, which is changing the way he sees the world and the way the world sees him. You can probably connect the dots on how this dynamic relates to the alien creature taking over The Boy in the videos. Basically, The Boy/alien creature is analogous to Glover/Gambino.
2. Glover is simply trolling all of us, which would coincide pretty nicely with the on-the-surface theme of the album and a lot of what goes on in the screenplay. There is no overarching meaning to the videos. I mean, it's about an alien invasion! Doesn't it seem completely possible that he made/is making all these videos involving aliens just to prove to people that they care too much about things that aren't even real? Wouldn't that be the ultimate achievement? Successfully trolling every single person who devoted time to trying to "crack the code", when there was never a "code" in the first place?

Most of me actually wants #2 to be right because, even though "it would all be for nothing", that would be the most incredible accomplishment any artist can ever claim. Of course, my first guess is my most rational after processing all the available information. Glover even did a video for Rolling Stone where he uses his comedic gifts to actually satirize the "conflicting" natures of his two personas. After everything I've written though, the "most rational" thing shouldn't be what's right. That just wouldn't go along with everything Gambino was conveying throughout the album.

Truth is, I'll never learn which theory is right. None of us will. Glover has said multiple times that he likes his art to be interpreted by each person. He won't dictate what he "means" with his music or his videos by telling us how he intended it to be interpreted. My journey to uncover the truth behind "Because the Internet" should never lead me to a tangible answer. Sure, he will probably release more videos and songs that tie in with the alien narrative, but they likely won't contribute to forming a concrete, indisputable resolution to my wild goose chase. And, in all honestly, I'm completely satisfied with that. Glover has still affected my life greatly with even the less subtle themes of his work, like the promotion of individuality and unadulterated creativity, as well as the reassurance that each person is entitled to pursuing what gives them a sense of fulfillment.

The best part about all the guessing, interpreting, and detective-like analysis of every little detail in every video and song is that it is all entirely subjective. While Gambino likely does know exactly what he is trying to get across, each person can be right in their own way. I do not want you to read everything I've written and take it all as fact. This is all just my interpretation. Yes, it's shared by others, but that doesn't mean that it is what you have to believe. In fact, I encourage you to disagree with me. Tell me where I'm wrong so that hopefully I'll discover something I never knew about.

I won't drive myself crazy searching for the undeniable truth in Glover's work that may or may not exist. It's not worth it. Art is made for enjoyment, and all Glover is trying to do is provide that enjoyment for us. As a result, I'm content to halt my incessant digging and theorizing so that I can simply appreciate the breathtaking product of the most creative mind in music right now.

Unless I figure out exactly what "Roscoe's Wetsuit" means in relation to the screenplay and the videos. Then I won't stop until I can provide a flawless, impossible-to-disprove explanation on the entire story. Not likely, but one can dream...

Here are the links that I promised for all the content mentioned throughout the post:

"The Worst Guys" video 
The video as a whole is fun and cool, but the only part that is relevant to the story is at 1:48, so make sure to pause the video there and look at Gambino's leg.

"Sweatpants" video

"Telegraph Ave." video

"3005" video

"Sober" video 
Probably his best video. A couple of things to take note of in this video. 1) a clock on the wall behind Gambino's original booth is shown in the beginning and end of the video. Both times it is shown, the time on the clock is exactly the same. 2) Look very closely at Gambino's throat/neck from 1:28-1:32. You will see his throat suddenly and pretty grossly expand, almost like a frog. This is the alien side of him taking over, as evidenced by his behavior immediately after. Again, 'Bino is crazy detailed and an absolute mastermind.

"Clapping for the Wrong Reasons" (prelude video to BTI)
This video is strange as fuck. It lacks any semblance of cohesiveness, and is really just a collection of various scenes following The Boy around on his mundane journey through his superfluously expansive mansion, and mind. Basically, just take it for what it is. There is plenty to like in it even though it may not be a traditional "short film". 
A couple things to know/things that are interesting: MUST KNOW that, in the screenplay, The Boy's Twitter handle is @thegoldmolar. Just keep that in mind as you're watching the video. Next, "Track 7" that Gambino mentions in a conversation with that random girl in the pool is "Telegraph Ave.". Fun fact, the mansion in the video is where Gambino and his team recorded the entire album, and it is also owned by Miami Heat star/only surviving dinosaur left on Earth, Chris Bosh. Also, yes, that is Topanga from Boy Meets World picking apples and talking about her weird dream. And yes, that is porn star Abella Anderson as the "unnamed girl" for any fans of hers/perverts out there. And yes, that is Trinidad James and Chance the Rapper playing an especially intense game of Connect Four (I'm surprised Rajon Rondo didn't find his way over there). Finally, try to be fairly analytical while watching. You get the most out of it when you're looking for what Gambino likely means with each scene. Not every scene has a deeper, hidden meaning, but some do, and you should be able to pick up on them.

Once again, I apologize for how out-of-sorts some parts of this post were. I hope you were still able to follow along. Also, PLEASE leave any questions or comments you have on all this in the Comments section. I welcome any and all discussion. Enjoy your respective journeys into Because the Internet

Finally Opening up my College Basketball Notebook

Alright, so the Super Bowl has come and passed, and whether or not you think the Seahawks should've gave the ball to this guy - they should've - doesn't matter anymore. Why? Because it's officially basketball season! No more football to hog the spotlight, and pitchers and catchers don't report for at least another 2 weeks or so. All we have is basketball right now, and I couldn't be happier.

Now, the NBA is undoubtedly extremely interesting this year. The Atlanta Hawks look like Spurs Lite, there's a pair of brothers splashing like a toddler in a puddle all over the Bay Area, and the Cavs have somehow won the quietest 12 straight games for a team with the best basketball player on Earth. Unfortunately for those of you who are suddenly getting excited at all this NBA talk, allow me to shift gears for a moment (or the entirety of this blog post).

The NBA may be producing more exciting basketball, but nothing gets my blood pumping like some good 'ol college hoops. The current landscape of the NCAA to casual fans could essentially be summed up in two words: Kentucky Wildcats. While this is actually an almost-fair general assessment of college basketball right now, there is much more to the sport right now than the behemoths in Lexington. And I'm here to bring them to you.

Let's stop kidding ourselves, the ACC is the best conference in college basketball
Apologies to the surging B1G (more on some of these teams coming up) and the Big 12 (more on all these teams coming up), but nothing is topping ACC basketball right now. As of Friday afternoon, Virginia sits atop the standings, with Notre Dame knocking on the door. Rounding out this Murderer's Row is Louisville, UNC, and Duke. Perusing through the rest of the conference, Miami is solid, Pitt is always hanging around, and hey, look! Syracuse has self-imposed a postseason ban effective for this season! Whoa, where did that come from?! This is terrible news mostly because now we won't be treated to any vintage Jim Boeheim explosions this March. Oh well.

Back to teams actually eligible to go Dancing, Notre Dame is currently enjoying its best season since the halcyon days of the legendary Luke Harangody. I'm sure Irish fans would almost consider this blasphemous, but I'm going to go ahead and say this ND team has more talent. Jerian Grant is a straight-up college superstar, Pat Connaughton is carrying the Harangody-Jack Cooley-Tim Abromaitis torch for Undersized White Guy Who Is Immeasurably Tough And Possesses A High Basketball IQ And Oh Look Now He's Making Threes (Abromaitis was actually the only one before Connaughton who exemplified that last part; Harangody and Cooley weren't much of 3-point shooters), Demetrius Jackson is an impact player in the backcourt, all while Zach Auguste basically single-handedly holds down the middle. Simply put, the Irish are for real, just in case their statement-making win over the Dukies didn't convince you. Elsewhere in the conference, Louisville is always a threat to make an Elite Eight run, UNC is a Marcus Paige-takeover away from being a true contender, and Duke, well, they're Duke.

Despite all of this, Virgina is the crown jewel of this conference. The starting 5 is just as terrifying on defense and terrifyingly efficient on offense as last year, even without the 2014's runner-up White Guy Who Everyone Actually Completely Respects, Joe Harris (the winner was Wisconsin's Frank Kaminksy). By the way, 2015's candidates are Northern Iowa's Seth Tuttle, Wichita State's Ron Baker, Gonzaga's Kevin Pangos (who's been in college for about 9 years; could be a blog post about this concept coming soon), and Iowa's Aaron White. Current front-runner has to be Aaron White as a result of 1) his name 2) that picture I linked to. I digress. Back to Virginia, I have them slotted as a Final Four team as of today and I don't expect that to change either. That's all I have to say about that.

B1G and Big 12 are polar opposites
Simply to avoid an opening paragraph where I beat around the bush about what that subtitle implies, all I mean is that the B1G is noticeably top-heavy with a couple possibly-elite teams, while the Big 12 is the deepest conference in the country, yet contains no team that looks like a true contender. Wisconsin is the obvious choice to make a deep tourney run, but look closer and you'll see that Maryland has quietly built itself an extremely impressive squad. Melo Trimble, behind Ohio State's D'Angelo Russell, is the best freshman in the conference and he has teamed with Dez Wells and Jake Layman to take the B1G by storm in the Terrapins' first year in the conference.

After those two, the B1G begins to look quite bleak. Sparty is experiencing a rare down year, as the defections of Gary Harris, Adriean Payne, and Keith Appling were just too much for Tom Izzo to replace. Indiana and Ohio State are two talented but flawed teams that have the makings of one-and-done teams in March. Purdue won't be making much noise either, and Michigan lost to NJIT. Wisconsin and Maryland are really the only teams from the B1G that you should keep an eye on.

With your other eye, just try to figure out what the hell is going on in the Big 12. 6 out of the 10 teams are currently ranked in the Top 25 (though my self-destructing Texas Longhorns are sure to fall out on Sunday), and the last place team in the conference sports a record of 14-8. In terms of sheer quantity of competitive teams, the Big 12 has no equal this year. However, this does not mean that this year's NCAA Tournament is going to be run by the conference. In fact, my bold prediction of the day is that no Big 12 team even makes it to the Sweet 16.

Well, kinda. I wouldn't be surprised if Kansas or Iowa State squeaked there way in there. Never doubt Bill Self, especially now that he has ultra-athletic freshman Kelly Oubre going, and if you listen closely, you can hear the sound of nets ripping in Ames, Iowa as the Cyclones spend 2 hours of practice time shooting 3's. But certainly no Elite Eight for either team. I need to work on being more "bold" with my bold predictions.

Kentucky still reigns supreme
It has truly become too cliché to discuss Kentucky in relation to the rest of college basketball at this point. There is nothing left that can be said about this team that hasn't already been said. So instead of droning on about everything you have already heard about the monstrous front line, the X-factor ability of the Harrison twins, and the emergence of pint-sized freshman point guard Tyler Ulis, I'll just give you two under-discussed tidbits about the Wildcats.

First, what's the deal with Devin Booker? Kentucky's deadliest sharpshooter is also their most perplexing case of "What race is he?" And Kentucky does have other ambiguously ethnic players, like Karl-Anthony Towns (half-black, half-Dominican). But Booker is on a different level. At first glance, he seems like he's got that whole Blake Griffin-Deron Williams type of half-black, half-white lightskin going on. But then you keep inspecting and it looks like there could easily be some Asian thrown in there, maybe something of Philippine origin? No matter what he is (because it really doesn't matter), he's become my personal favorite Wildcat because of his lack of a conscience when hoisting up triples coupled with the fact that nearly half of the 3's he shoots end up going in the basket.

Secondly, first half, UCLA game. 'Nuff said.

Final Thoughts
Sorry to the Pac-12, who I gave zero love to in this post. Shoutout to Stanley Johnson for being the realest freshman out there. Another shoutout to Delon Wright for possibly being the premier stat-sheet-stuffing player in the country. If the Utes go anywhere this year, it's going to be because of him.

Biggest shoutout to the best in the college-basketball-writing business right now, Mark Titus. You are certainly not reading this right now, but I don't take it personally.

Finally, here is my current Elite Eight-and-on prediction. Every time I write a college basketball post (hopefully it will be at least semi-frequently), I will give the 8 teams who I think will make it to the Elite Eight, and then pit those teams against each other to determine my champion. Naturally, the 8 teams as well as the champion very well could and likely will change as the season progresses. Also, I am just randomly sorting the 8 teams into 4 different regions. I have no logic for why each team is playing each other. Without further ado, here's what I got. Thanks for reading:

Kentucky                                                                                                                                          Duke

Arizona                                                                                                                                     Wisconsin  

                         
               
                    Kentucky                                                                                        Wisconsin
                             
               
                                                              Kentucky  Virginia

                    Utah                                                                                                   Virginia



Utah                                                                                                                                              Virginia
Villanova                                                                                                                                     Gonzaga