10 Observations from Convocation

Today started out with me knowing only that there was some sort of meeting for my school, the School of Media and Communication. If it wasn't for a very friendly young woman whom I fortunately ran into while aimlessly searching for this meeting, I would have never found it. As she guided me to the location of the meeting (which I was nowhere near, by the way), another woman asked her for directions to a different hall. This second woman, after learning why I was walking alongside the first woman, promptly said "Well, you sure picked up a good looking one." First of all, I was flattered, honestly. A compliment is a compliment, even if it's from a middle-aged woman whom you just met. Naturally, the young woman responded by saying that she could not respond to that comment as to respect the student-university employee relationship. Anyway, since you're definitely reading this the second it's posted despite you having no way to know that this exists, I would like to personally thank the Student-Employee-Boundary-Respecting woman that saved the day for me. So thank you, your help was greatly appreciated.

That was around 9:30. Fast-foward to around 11:30 and I find myself inside the Liacouras Center, home of the Temple men's basketball team, sitting in a crowd of hundreds, thousands possibly, awaiting the Convocation Ceremony to commence. I had no idea what to expect, as the answers I received while asking what to expect ranged from "Basically the opposite of graduation" (only confused me more) to "A bunch of people speaking" (Thanks). So, without further ado, here are 10 observations I made note of while finding out exactly what I was doing there:

1. First thing I hear when I sit down is some Napoleon Dynamite-sounding kid seemingly practicing his upcoming stand-up routine. The following is precisely what I heard: "What does the Temple mascot say when he gets hit in the face...Owwwwl!" Apparently feeling like he's Dave-fuckin'-Chappelle after receiving an obligatory chuckle from the kid next to him, he reveals to the world the grueling process that led to that masterpiece. "I just made that up now...." Comedy may never be the same.
2. To the right is a blurry picture that I took of two of the many important-looking adults that filled the stage and certain sections of the stands. What entranced me about these people was their outfits, especially their hats. As you probably can't see because the quality of this picture is terrible, these two distinguished individuals are sporting the latest in the Heisenberg/Ne-Yo headwear line. Never before have I seen the "jazz musician-superhero-colorful Halloween ghost" look pulled off so incredibly at such an event.
3. I always feel terrible saying this, but I can't help but pay attention to nothing but the sign language interpreter during the national anthem at any event. This event was no different because, as far as I'm concerned, the only thing happening in that arena was a performance like no other. I am not talking about the (probably) lovely singing of the national anthem, but I am of course referring to the sign language interpreter's dedication and passion for signing the words, better yet, the feel, of the national anthem. Her facial expressions, body movements, and velocity of hand motions were unlike anything I've ever seen before. It was almost like those intense orchestra composers you see in movies, except way less obnoxious and much more entertaining. Interestingly enough, her wild theatrics ended with the final word of the national anthem. For the remainder of the ceremony, she was surprisingly calm while signing. Honestly, I was a little disappointed.
4. One professor who was given a brief introduction had the last name of Kumar, which made me immediately hungry for White Castle and wonder if there is a Professor Harold Lee screaming about a car theft somewhere on campus.
5. Shortly after my craving for dog food on tiny buns had left me, an international student named Richard Li entered my life. I may never see Mr. Li ever again, and that would be completely OK. By approximately word 6 of his two-minute speech/Sermon on the Mount, he became the most likable guy I have ever met. The standout line among many gems was easily "If you see me on Liacouras Walk and call me by my given Chinese name (Bokun) and pronounce it correctly, I know that we will be great friends." It was a true you-had-to-be-there moment. The whole crowd erupted into the loudest collection of "Awwwww"'s I have ever heard. I know I might come off slightly condescending right now, but I can not be more serious when I say that if I was at the edge of a cliff, holding Richard Li with my right hand and my future wife with my left, and I had enough strength to pull both of them to safety, I would let go of my wife so I could grab Richard with both hands just to really make sure I had a firm grip on him.
6. Below and to the right is another picture that has worse quality than photos taken in the 19th century. Fortunately, all you need to get out of this image is that there is a woman sitting by herself in a solitary chair completely removed from every other row of chairs. Either she pissed someone off and is on timeout, or the person/people who planned the seating layout loves to throw curveballs at the people who are attending.

7. Met a fairly attractive girl named Melissa, who was sitting next to me during the ceremony. We talked occasionally throughout, but for the most part she was quiet, which made me think she didn't like me at all. Regardless, I hope to see her around.
8. Going out of chronological order here, but after the speakers were finished, a pep rally broke out, which featured head football coach Matt Rhule spewing, what seemed to me, his go-to material when he pitches the benefits of attending Temple to recruits in their living rooms. In related news, I'm suddenly not surprised why the Temple football team had a record of 2-10 last season.
9. The "I Believe" chant made popular during the 2014 World Cup just doesn't work when the "lyrics" are changed to "I believe that we have won" as Temple students recite following any home win. Some things are better left untouched.
10. Finally, BILL FREAKING COSBY SHOWED UP!!! Now, even before today, I was full aware that Bill Cosby, chastiser of Eddie Murphy stand-up, was a Temple alum, and I could probably guess that he most likely makes it to the graduation ceremonies. However, the look of astonishment on my face when I saw Mr. Cosby, wearing a Temple sweater with Temple sweatpants, because why not, slowly and gracefully make his way onto the stage, must have looked like this. Bill (I am a Temple student now, so I can refer to my boy Bill on a first name basis) pulled out a couple of his trademark gimmicks, such as the drawn out syllables at the end of words, as well as really accentuating that iconic drawl of his. Overall, it was pretty magical. He even addressed the possible pitfalls that a college student may encounter on his/her way to a degree. Direct quote: "You're not here to drink. You're not here to have sex." See, this is where we disagree Big Willy Style. That's exactly what I'm here to do, and I'm supremely confident I can participate in those activities while remaining focused on schoolwork and achieving success in the classroom. It's all good though, Billy Bob Thornton. I still love ya. He concluded his speech in the least expected way possible: with a crude joke. If Raw taught me anything, it's that Bill Cosby despises lewd and inappropriate topics. Well, apparently, Eddie Murphy hasn't met the 77-year-old Bill Cosby who stopped giving a shit and decided to enjoy being old and beloved. Dollar Bill's house-shaking finisher went as such: "When your mom comes to visit, don't let her look under your bed only to find your clothes all hard." Un-fuckin'-real. God bless Bill Cosby.

Editor's Note: DISREGARD MY GUSHING OVER BILL COSBY. Wow, did that backfire on me in retrospect.