In these weekly football recaps, I will be unleashing a brand new format for celebrating the winners and losers from each week. This highly anticipated method is known as the Stars and Stripes system. As the patriotic name suggests, I will be grading players/teams/events on a scale of 1 star - 5 stars, and within each tier of stars, there will be a varying number of stripes handed out to further rank the performances of the week. I'm not sure if that sounded confusing, but it should be extremely simple once I get started. Also, as I briefly mentioned, I will not just be evaluating players and teams' performances. Things that can also be given stars and stripes will be a specific play, a coach/coaching decision perhaps, or any type of occurrence that was seen in an NFL game that had any type of impact on the result of the contest.
In addition to me praising/ripping all your favorite NFL stars, I will be dropping fantasy tidbits like I'm the Enola Gay(sorry to all my Japanese readers, enough time should have passed by now, right? I mean, theres jokes about Ray Rice floating around already). There will be plenty of mentions of how an individual player's game affected the results of the match ups in my fantasy league, SP Football. Therefore, if you see a fantasy score with an "SP" next to it, that represents the amount of points that player scored under my league's scoring settings.
Once again, I'm so excited to unveil this, you pretty much can call me Tim Tebow. On that note, let's begin!
5 Stars
3 Stripes
Matt Ryan and the Falcons offense - Matty Ice was flat out sensational, putting up a Falcons-record 448 yards and 3 TD's (48.90 SP) against a New Orleans defense that was top-12 in the league in basically any metric you can find. Obviously, it wasn't all him, as the weapons surrounding him are truly top-notch. Both Julio Jones and Roddy White look 100% healthy this year, as showcased by their combined stat lines of 12 catches for 188 yards and a touchdown. Harry Douglas and Devin Hester are about as good of #3 and 4 receivers in the league, and TE/human skyscraper Levine Toilolo should be an absolute terror in the red zone all year. The running backs group, led by veteran Steven Jackson, is also deep and talented. Most importantly, Ryan made me look a genius in starting him Week 1, as he basically won my matchup for me. So thank you Matt Ryan, I appreciate your brilliance greatly.
2 Stripes
Megatron - Is there even a reason to call him Calvin Johnson anymore? Such a human-sounding name just doesn't suit him. He only deserves to be referred to as the most feared cyborg in the entire Transformers universe. Calvin finished with an unreal 39.90 SP (half a point per reception by the way), and even that seems low for how dominant he looked on Monday night. I'm fully aware that his performance against the Giants wasn't even close to his most dominant outing, but it just seemed like he was going to catch every ball thrown in his direction, which he did for the most part. Dude is just on a different level, and he made sure no one forgot that over the offseason.
1 stripe
Julius Thomas - Thomas went ape shit on a clearly overwhelmed Colts LB/S unit, as anyone who took their turn "covering" Thomas was promptly burned for six. Easily leading all TE's in an fantasy league this past week, Thomas' 31.90 led George Green's What are the chances squad to the 2nd highest point total for any team in my league for the week (behind only, of course, the team featuring Megatron). Thomas has a legitimate chance to be the #1 fantasy TE this year for sure. As I typed that though, Drew Brees and Jimmy Graham probably just finished a 4-hour film session, so don't hold me to anything.
4 Stars
3 Stripes
Norv Turner - The man really knows how to get the most out of talented wide receivers, doesn't he? Last year, all he did was help Josh Gordon become the NFL's leading receiver while only playing 14 games, and it seems like big Norv is once again working his magic on the dynamic and versatile Cordarrelle Patterson. Patterson's receiving numbers look very modest (3 catches for 29 yards), but he still dropped an impressive 26.90 SP. How is this possible? Well, Patterson is very wisely utilized in the Vikings running game (as if they needed help in that department). Add 102 rushing yards, including a bonus-triggering 67 yard touchdown, and that is how we arrive at his beastly fantasy game. Norv may never be given a warm reception in the city of San Diego for as long as he lives, but give the man credit. He sure can coordinate an offense that trots out at least one receiver who possesses other-worldy talent.
2 Stripes
Antonio Brown and Antonio Brown's Sparta Kick - Really, the combination of those two pillars of greatness should be worth 5 stars. Brown had a predictably explosive game as Big Ben's favorite target (22.10 SP), and well, did you see that kick? The take-off, the form, the follow-through, all straight from the football drop-kicking textbook (yes, that textbook is written by Ndamukong Suh). But then the thought of what it must have been like for Browns punter Sean Lanning to see nothing but a black-and-yellow blur coming at you, and suddenly that blur's cleat is eye-level with you, and the next thing you know, you're looking up at the sky wondering what the hell just happened. Also, in all honesty that was a pretty dirty play. Think of it this way: what football move was Brown attempting there? I've never seen a hurdle that involved a player spring boarding off another player's facemask. Nevertheless, Brown's stat line was great for all his fantasy owners out there, and that kick will live on in GIF infamy.
1 Stripe
Allen Hurns - I'm sure there have been plenty of 4 catch, 110 yard, 2 TD performances in a Week 1 game before. I'm not sure, however, how many undrafted rookies turned in that kind of game before. Hurns was scintillating in the first half of the Jaguars-Eagles game, a first half that saw the Jaguars take an out-of-nowhere 17-0 lead over the Eagles (the Jaguars ended up losing 34-17, but still. Gotta take moral victories where you can get 'em, Jags). At 6-3, 195, Hurns has legitimate NFL WR size, and, with Cecil Shorts already dealing with his annual ailment, a prime opportunity to receive targets along side fellow rookie Marqise Lee. Hurns is just one of those guys you want to root for, especially on a Jacksonville team that struggles to give you anything to root for usually.
3 Stars
3 Stripes
The Blossoming Jake Locker-Ken Whisenhunt Tandem - Frankly, picking guys for the "3 Stars" section is harder than you might think. I'm basically saying these guys were, what, adequate? I think I'm just going to devote this category to the under-the-radar storylines that deserve a little more attention. No better place to start than the most mediocre NFL team that isn't the constant topic of discussion among ESPN's 437 NFL analysts (yeah, I'm talking about your Cowboys, Jerry). Now in his 4th year in the league, Jake Locker is definitely at the make-or-break point in his pursuit to be considered a starting quarterback. Enter respected QB developer Ken Whisenhunt as the Titans' new head coach, and suddenly Locker is looking very, very...competent. It's a start! Locker wasn't dominant by any stretch of the imagination, but he still played an instrumental role in Tennessee's 26-10 rout of Kansas City. We shall see how Locker progresses throughout the season and if he can consistently produce at a winning level, but all early signs point to this QB-coach marriage being the opposite of the Kris Humpries-Kim Kardashian union.
2 Stripes
Miami's pass rush - Cameron Wake is a straight-up monster. This is an established fact around the NFL, and has been for years. Nothing has changed the validity of that statement in 2014 either, as Wake basically won the game for the Dolphins against the Patriots with 2 strip sacks of Tom Brady. The development of the other defensive linemen and linebackers on Miami is what can take their front seven to a Carolina-Buffalo-St. Louis-Seattle level, though. Olivier Vernon, only 24 years old, had 8.5 sacks last season. He had a sack on Sunday. Last year's #3 overall pick Dion Jordan should further add to the pass rush when he returns from a 4-game suspension. Even guys like Jared Odrick and Randy Starks typically contribute a combined 8-10 sacks per year to the overall total. If everyone mentioned here does there part, the Dolphins could pose a serious threat to the AFC playoff race.
1 Stripe
Matt Bryant - I really hope it doesn't seem like I'm diminishing Bryant's monumental part in the Falcons OT win by placing him in this slot. Let me rephrase that: Matt Bryant is the hero of Atlanta right now. Here's the proof. The 39-year-old kicker nailed three field goals in the game from distances of 40, 51, and 52. The 51-yarder sent the game into OT, and the 52-harder won it for the Falcons. The word "clutch" doesn't really fully encompass what Bryant did on Sunday. Following a nightmarish 4-12 season in 2013, the Falcons NEEDED a win against their sworn enemies. The Falcons fan base was desperate for a bounce-back season to convince them that they can still compete for the Lombadi trophy, and Bryant delivered them the most important regular season win the Falcons play for every year in Week 1. So, final thought on this: Are we sure Matt Bryant shouldn't be called Matty Ice?
2 Stars
3 Stripes
Jay Cutler - Now we arrive at the point in the post that would result in me getting hate mail if more than like 10 people read this. In some ways the most enigmatic QB in the NFL, Jay Cutler Could. Not. Lose. That. Game. Especially in the manner that he did lose it. The 2 interceptions he threw were the typical Jay Cutler head-scratchers, the type that make Bears fans angrily throw all the darts they're weirdly holding in their hand at the print-out of Cutler's face hanging up on the wall. One was a mistimed seem route that Bills CB Corey Graham stepped in front of, while the other pick was a classic Cutler back-foot dart rifled into the chest of Kyle Williams...who is a DEFENSIVE TACKLE employed by the Buffalo Bills. Sure, the 349 yards and 2 TD passes look decent and could have probably made for a nice fantasy game (26.45 SP), but the 0-1 record that the Bears are currently looking at negates all of that. Long season ahead of Cutler and the Bears, one that will most likely see the Monsters of the Midway in contention for a playoff spot in a stacked NFC, but that game was on Cutler more than anything else (except maybe Chris Conte if you ask Bears fans).
2 Stripes
That Chargers-Cardinals game - I'm just going to let my brother do this one for me. Here are some quotes from him regarding the quality of the final game of Week 1 (in chronological order): "This is such a boring game. You know how much I hate watching the Chargers lol", "Whatever (the Cardinals') game plan is right now is sucking", "This game is agonizing", "The Cardinals run the stupidest plays", "This game is so bad. Cannot believe it", "I hate repeating myself, but is it me or are the Chargers the worst team to watch ever?", "This is laughable", "Can't handle this", and "Awful"
1 Stripe
Gary Kubiak calling 62 passing plays for Joe Flacco - Inexcusable. I don't even care that Bernard Pierce mailed this one in (-0.60 SP) and the only option left to turn to in the ground game was Justin Forsett. Justin Forsett? Exactly. That being said, did first-year Ravens offensive coordinator Gary Kubiak really expect to win this game with that kind of play calling? Did he think that Joe Flacco really does have some type of switch that allows him to just magically start playing like he did in the 2013 playoffs, and that he was going to just say "You know what Gar-Bear, why don't I win this game for us"? I'm not sure whether or not I hope this was Kubiak's thought process, because either way, he's got some mental issues. You can't simply abandon running the ball to the extent that the Ravens did, and they witnessed first-hand the consequences of that decision. If they really want Pierce to play better, the coaches should give him an earpiece that plays "The Farmer in the Dell" on loop and I have no doubt he will run faster than he ever has before...
1 Star
3 Stripes
Whatever the hell you call what the Rams did on Sunday - First off, I can't empathize any more with the Rams for the quarterback tragedy that has befallen them. As a Bills fan, I too experienced a 3 QB season last year. No doubt about it, it absolutely cripples your entire team. However, 34-6? To the Vikings? The Rams defense was supposed to be incredible this year, talented and ferocious enough to keep them in any game they play. I understand the defense likely tired from being on the field so often, but I'm not sure I can actually buy that as an excuse for giving up that many points. The quarterback situation is what prevented them from falling to the "1 stripe" slot, but that performance was simply not acceptable. HC Jeff Fisher and OC Brian Schottenheimer have to figure out a way to allow the running game to carry the offense with the passing game playing off of that, or else it's going to be a LONG season in St. Louis.
2 Stripes
The Kansas City Offensive Line - There is absolutely no reason that Jamaal Charles should finish any game with a stat line of 7 rushes for 19 yards. There's really no words for how ridiculous that is. I refuse to put basically any of that on Charles because, well, of this. Charles is a game-breaking player, but he can't do anything if there's 4 guys surrounding him at all times wearing jerseys that don't look identical to his own. Part of the blame for this pathetic collection of 300+ pound men falls on Chiefs GM John Dorsey after he allowed starting linemen Branden Albert, Geoff Schwartz, and Jon Asamoah to all walk in free agency. Former #1 pick Eric Fisher, now the starting LT, is struggling mightily, and RT Donald Stephenson still has 3 games left to serve of a PED suspension. 7 carries for 19 yards should never happen again, it's a disservice to the world to have the walking highlight-reel that is Jamaal Charles be wasted like that.
1 Stripe
The Oakland Raiders running game - Finally we arrive at the worst of the worst. The dreadful Oakland Raiders RB duo of Maurice Jones-Drew's grandfather and Darren McFadden's great-grandfather went out onto the green grass of MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey, and gave us one of the most unbelievably bad rushing performance we've seen in a long time. The Raiders amassed just 25 total rushing yards on 15 carries, good for a YPC of 1.5. Even Tom Brady has a higher career YPC, and I'm pretty sure he's never had a carry that wasn't one of those 1-yard plunges into the end zone. I don't even have a suggestion for how this can get better honestly. Facing a different front seven than the Jets' might help considering the Jets' ranked third in the NFL against the run last year. Only problem with that is that Oakland plays Houston week 2, and there's no one in the league who can demoralize an entire offense like J.J. Watt. All I can really say then is good luck Dennis Allen, it would actually be a pretty massive accomplishment if you're still the head coach of the Raiders by the end of the year.
Week 1 SP Football Standings
- #SantiniCrimeFamily - 1-0 (Michael Santini)
- What are the Chances - 1-0 (George Green)
- 10 AM in Philly - 1-0 (Who do you think?)
- Scooby Doos - 1-0 (Vinny Greco)
- TuckerRightInThePusy - 1-0 (Christopher Apicella)
- Krazy Kevs - 0-1 (Kevin Young)
- Marks Marauders - 0-1 (Mark Riello)
- Notorious M.A.F.I.A. - 0-1 (Dylan Mednick)
- The Uncle Ricos - 0-1 (Kevin Hylas)
- The Dominators - 0-1 (Dom Greco)
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